Redefining productivity....and another lesson in perfection.

Damn perfection. It's so easy to speak the words- how it doesn't exist and the beauty is actually in the imperfections, but do I really believe these words that spill from my lips so easily, and sound so convincing? Honestly, in my heart of hearts?
No, I don't.  Because like every other person that gives a darn about making people happy, nice things, feeling accomplished, or just doing a good job, I care.  Nevertheless, perfection somehow creeps its naughty little legs into the scenario and messes up all the good intentions.

Case in point- Oskar's first birthday.

I have spent the last two days agonizing over the event that was a flash before my eyes.  It pains me to think that because of this powerful driving force we cheerfully call perfection, I chose the details. All homemade food, flowers, an owl from the wildlife rehabilitation center, clay hand prints, plates, blueberries placed on the cake.

Where was my little birthday boy while I was being defeated by perfection?

The real bummer of the day was that Peter was sick and couldn't join the party.  I know he was really disappointed to miss Oskar's first birthday.  Would I choose being a freaky mama over missing the party entirely?  Yes.  :)

It burns my insides to think I fell for it again...I know better.  Life is too damn short.

...And to add insult to injury- the owl was a no show.
...Add even more insult to an already terribly injured mama- the kids that were at the party got sick the next day.   Bad, bad, bad....

Happy birthday, little one.

On a brighter note, I am pleased to have redefined productivity.  A paradigm shift, if you will.  I am applying my "more is less" and "quality over quantity" philosophy to my ideas on productivity.  Going back to the list...
What are my top top priorities and how do I fulfill my intentions and commitments to those priorities?
Reevaluating and/or honoring their authenticity.
Believing constantly.
I will say that I find myself in somewhat of a limbo.  One minute I apply this weird hard ass approach- accept nothing less (a carry over from sports perhaps?) and the next minute I apply the "you're doing the best you can" philosophy (which has never really settled well) I need to just do what comes natural...what ever that is on any given day.

PS.  Oskar had a great time at his party.

cold winter goodies

A couple of Oskar's favorite cold winter goodies.  Because we are challenging  ourselves to buy local and made in the USA, it took some time to find the right outdoor gear for O.  However, the Stonzwear was so outstanding, we crossed the boarder to our Canadian neighbors.  (Canada is closer to AK...)

www.stonzwear.com-  Booties and mittens that are made in Canada.  With fleece liners and waterproof shells.  Awesome!

The best Balaclava ever.  http://www.etsy.com/shop/lyalya/rss.   O has a red marino wool balaclava from Lyalya (Russian for baby) that he wears all the time.  (He is getting another one for his birthday.)  :)

the simple things

I can't get over the sinking feeling that I am not doing enough with Oskar.  Talking, teaching, playing, creating...the list goes on.   I don't know why I have these thoughts, although I do know that they creep into every nook and cranny of my life.  When I was an athlete, the "never enough" fear drove me to victory and to many defeats- many more defeats now that I look back...
Here it is, back to haunt me.   
Life is so short and the possibilities are endless. That is my fear.. maybe I could do more.
In lieu of this..
Yesterday, Oskar and I spent the morning creating things.  We made tambourine's out of pipe cleaners and bells, and turned an old box into a magnificent wagon/storage/seat/drum pad.  Oskar loved being pulled around while he played his homemade tambourine.  And I loved that for the moment, it was enough. 

one year young.

Oskar's birthday is quickly approaching, and mamma bird is planning.  I am proud to recognize my mom in myself during this process; when we were young, she was dedicated to us having our special day be great and fantastic.  I am so excited for him to shine bright on his little day.

a picture is worth a couple words

Despite the dark stillness outside, our sourdough starter was full of life this morning! I felt exactly the same- full of energy and overflowing with love  :)

winter nostalgia

After days of beautiful sub freezing weather, the tree's began swaying to the arrival of the wind.  During the night of wind that brought the clouds, it began to snow.  It always seems to amaze me how peaceful it becomes when the flakes begin to fall.  

Winter has meant so many different things, at so many different times in my life.  Often I think that a piece of each meaning resides deep inside my conscience, leaving behind a nostalgia for winters ago.  Because this winter is so dramatically different than any before, many of those past meanings have been surfacing.  In the car on the drive to Girdwood, I peer out the window as if looking in on my past as a stranger.  I see myself the snowboarder- preparing, training, the intensity, the love of giving everything I had to be the best.  As my thoughts make their way back to the car, I turn around and see my son sleeping soundly in the back seat.  I gaze at my reflection in the rear view mirror, hoping to get one last taste of the memory.  Instead, I see a mom.  My eyes possess a soft love now, not a desperate obsessive love that was indicative of my relationship with sport. 

Someday I hope the two loves will meet and I can share the old love with the new.  Sharing with Oskar what winter used to mean to his mom. 

"Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope. Nothing which is true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith; Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we must be saved by love."

Captains Log: Week 11

Despite having 9 months to prepare- baby clothes, birthing books, and dog classes- the four of us were surprised by how much life changed. Each of us, in one way or another, had to become reacquainted.

We were now parents. No matter how hard you try to keep things the same, or life as usual, it morphs your relationship into something much more grown-up..the responsibility is awkward when you imagine your former life and how foreign that life feels (it was only 9 month ago).

The pups that were the center of attention for the last four years, were no longer the babies. They did not like the change nor did they adapt well. There are moments when I am with the babe, changing diapers or moving his little legs and I will see the pups looking at me- staring- longingly for the days that I used to use the same voice with them. I do feel bad…

So here we are, the morning of week 11; the babe, the pups, and I all together wondering what the day will bring. A game of fetch, a diaper change, lunch with a friend…